My current reading list would not be Wheaton College (my alma mater) approved.
I am starting a sex therapy training program this fall, which, if you had told me was the direction my therapy career would take when I first entered the field many years ago, I would never have believed you. But, as I’ve sat with many religious trauma survivors over the years, one thing has become strikingly clear: sexuality and healing from the effects of purity culture play a massive role in the recovery process after high-control religion. Even when someone does not start therapy with sexuality being top of mind, we usually get there eventually, and clients usually have a lot of feelings about it.
I’ve worked with people who were questioning their sexual or gender orientation. I’ve had clients who were considering opening up their relationship. I’ve listened to people newly exploring intimacy and sex in their 40s and 50s after being taught their whole lives that there was only one acceptable way that sexual intimacy could be expressed. I’ve met with people who have never had a safe space to talk about sex and sexuality and who have never had a place where they can ask questions. I’ve had conversations with individuals who have received sex ed that was lacking at best and toxic/abusive at worst. I’ve encountered others who were taught medically inaccurate information about sex. I have sat with people who were wanting to have sexual experiences but whose bodies were not cooperating and did not get the memo that they no longer ascribe to purity culture rules anymore.
Back to my current reading list that would not be Wheaton approved. Earlier this month I received the recommended books for the sex therapy training program that starts in September. And let me tell you: my 18-year-old deeply entrenched-in-evangelicalism self would have been shocked to see the titles on the list. The books include Polysecure, Come As You Are, Guide to Getting it On, Pleasure Activism, and Pussy Prayers, among many others.
I’m pretty sure my younger self would have needed to sit down. Actually, she probably would have needed to pray and ask God for forgiveness, and then confess to someone that she had been exposed to said books. The irony isn’t lost on me.
There is a part of me that chuckles when I think about my journey and life trajectory. I spent my young adulthood being very concerned with whether I was doing Christianity correctly and following all the rules, and now I’m a queer-identifying therapist in my 40s entering a sex therapy training program. My younger self would be horrified. My current self thinks it is most excellent. In fact, I think this story arc would make for a great comedic miniseries or musical. If anyone is interested in writing the script, please contact my agent.
I spent a lot of years hearing sexuality discussed primarily in terms of what you shouldn’t do. There were rules, boundaries, and consequences. There were a lot of messages about temptation, modesty, purity, self-control, and saving sex for (heterosexual) marriage. Sex was a very serious and sacred act not to be taken lightly. There was no conversation or education about things like desire, pleasure, sexual communication, consent, sexual identity, or HAVING FUN.
And I know this isn't true only for people from evangelical or high-control religious backgrounds. Plenty of people grow up with inadequate sex education, shame around their bodies, complicated messages about gender and relationships, or simply no safe place to talk about any of it.
And, generally speaking, leaving a high-control religion doesn’t mean that all of the messages you absorbed about yourself and the world disappear overnight. You can stop believing something and still feel it. You can know intellectually that something isn't wrong and still experience guilt or anxiety when you do it. You can want to explore something and simultaneously feel like you're breaking a rule that you no longer believe in.
For people coming out of purity culture, there can be the especially difficult experience of reaching adulthood and realizing they feel… 1) completely unequipped to navigate sex and intimacy, 2) plagued with shame and anxiety related to attraction, desire, and pleasure, and 3) unable to be fully present in their body.
This is a big part of why I’m interested in sex therapy. Not because I think every problem comes down to sex, but because sexuality touches so many different parts of our lives. It intersects with our bodies, relationships, identities, values, attachment, self-esteem, communication, pleasure, and sense of agency. And when someone's understanding of sexuality has been shaped by religious trauma or purity culture, there can be A LOT to untangle.
There are many things I am looking forward to and curious about in starting this training. Like…what happens when people finally get the opportunity to learn about sexuality outside of a framework built around fear, shame, and rules? What happens when you can approach these topics with curiosity instead of asking first whether something is sinful? What happens when eroticism is framed as your life force and not something that could destroy you or someone else? What happens when people are able to fully embody and embrace their sexuality? What kind of power and agency can be accessed when someone believes that pleasure is their birthright?
I’ve gotten to watch some of these shifts happen already in my clients over the years, and I’m excited to learn more about how to better support them on their journeys toward health and wholeness.
I also think there is something pretty wonderful about the fact that this is where my career has taken me. If you had asked me years ago what kind of therapist I would become, I would have given you a very different answer. I certainly wouldn't have predicted that I would one day be reading books with Pussy Prayers on the cover and thinking, “Well, this is relevant to my clinical education.”
But here we are.
And I’m genuinely excited about it.
I’m looking forward to reporting back to you here about what I’m learning every now and then. That said, buckle up, folks! It’s going to be a wild ride :-)
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. These are conversations I’m having with clients every week. If you’re looking for a therapist who understands the intersection of religious trauma, purity culture, and sexuality, I am currently accepting new clients in CA, FL, ID, and MO, and you can request a free consultation below to see if we would be a good fit to work together.