When Following God’s Will Means Losing Yourself: A Religious Trauma Therapist Explains

It was my senior year of high school, and the pressure was on to decide where I’d go to college. Acceptance letters had arrived, and I had narrowed it down to two options: Wheaton College or Westmont College. Yes, I know…peak mid-90s evangelicalism.

Of course it felt like a big decision. But for me, it wasn’t just about academics, campus culture, or where I felt most at home. It felt spiritual. Eternal. As if one of these colleges was God’s will for my life — and the other was not.

I believed that one path would lead to blessing, approval, and divine favor. The other? Potential disappointment. The possibility of stepping “outside” God’s will — and paying the price (what that price was, exactly, I didn’t know — from how everyone around me talked about it, it seemed like it would be really bad). But no matter how much I prayed, journaled, or asked for signs, I didn’t have clarity. God hadn’t revealed the “his” answer. And that terrified me. What was I doing wrong?

So I did what many of us were taught to do: I prayed. I asked spiritual mentors for advice. I made pro and con lists. I consulted friends and family. I begged God to speak to me.
The only person I didn’t ask?
Myself.

I never considered what I actually wanted. My own voice didn’t feel relevant. Because if I followed my desires and they didn’t align with God’s will, wouldn’t that be selfish? Or worse, sinful?

The decision came down to the wire. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor late at night, hours before the deadline to commit, still panicked that I’d choose wrong. In the end, I chose Wheaton — not because I felt peace or clarity, but because I had to pick something. And I hoped, desperately, that I had picked right.

The Pressure to Find God’s Will

If you grew up in a conservative evangelical church, chances are you were given an enormous responsibility: discovering “God’s will” for your life. This concept shaped almost every major decision — who you dated, where you went to college, what career you chose, who you married.

And while the idea of living in God’s will was often presented as comforting, it could feel more like a moving target. Where was it? How would you know if you found it? And what if you missed it?

What was missing in all of this was a radically human question:
“What do I actually want?”

What Does “God’s Will” Even Mean in Evangelicalism?

In many evangelical circles, God’s will was framed around verses like Jeremiah 29:11 — “For I know the plans I have for you…” It was preached that God had a specific plan for your life — one that would prosper you and give you hope. Sounds reassuring… except you didn’t get to know the plan in advance.

Instead, you were taught to pray, read scripture, and wait for God to reveal it — or, more realistically, to take a guess based on signs or feelings and hope you weren’t wrong.

I remember trying to interpret “nudges” from God like a spiritual detective. And always in the back of my mind was the fear: What if I misread the signs? What if I chose wrong?

Because choosing wrong came with consequences. You could end up “outside of God’s will” — a place described with heavy warning and subtle shame.

How Seeking God's Will Can Undermine Your Autonomy

In college, I remember a classmate announcing, “I think God is calling me to Uganda.” And my immediate — though quickly suppressed — thought was, “Or maybe you just want to go to Uganda?”

Back then, I didn’t yet have the language, but I was noticing something:
When everything gets framed as “God’s calling,” we start over-spiritualizing our own desires. Normal human longings — for connection, purpose, joy — get rebranded as divine directives. And instead of claiming our preferences and needs, we distance ourselves from them by saying, “God told me to.”

That pattern doesn’t just erase your voice. It teaches you not to trust it.

When God's Will Has a Narrow Lane

Here’s the other problem: what’s considered “in God’s will” is often very limited.
Being a missionary? God’s will.
Starting a nonprofit? God’s will.
Becoming a chef in Spain because that’s your dream? Not so much.

Even within “godly” career paths, there’s often a hierarchy of spiritual worthiness. Choosing something unconventional — or joyful, or lucrative, or deeply personal — might be labeled selfish.

So you learn to deny what you want. You shrink your desires to fit someone else’s vision of obedience. And over time, you may internalize a message that’s incredibly harmful: “What I want doesn’t matter.”

When You Realize the Life You Built Wasn't Yours

Maybe you chose a career because you thought it was what God wanted — and now you’re realizing you never wanted it for yourself.
Maybe you said yes to a relationship that felt “godly,” but never truly aligned with your own desires.
Maybe you’ve spent years trying to align with God’s plan… and it’s left you feeling disconnected, resentful, or numb.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not broken. You’re just waking up to your own voice again.

Reclaiming Your Voice and Your Choices

Here are a few reminders if you’re in the middle of untangling all this:

1. Your Desires Matter

What you want is important. Your preferences, needs, and longings are not obstacles to your spiritual life — they are vital information about who you are and what you need to thrive.

2. You Don’t Have to Choose Between “Selfish” and “Godly”

Many of us were taught to see decisions in black-and-white: selfish vs. obedient, worldly vs. spiritual. But most of life lives in the gray. You’re allowed to want something because it brings you joy — and that can be enough.

3. Your Life Is Yours to Build

You don’t need divine permission to make choices that honor your wellbeing. You can still hold space for spirituality — if you want to — without outsourcing your agency.

What If It’s Not About Finding God’s Will, But Finding Yourself?

For many religious trauma survivors, reclaiming personal agency is one of the most powerful (and terrifying) parts of healing. We were taught that centering ourselves was selfish. That we couldn’t be trusted. That obedience was the goal.

But real healing comes when you stop asking for permission to be yourself.

And that starts with allowing the question:
“What about what I want?”

Ready to Start Healing?

If you’re navigating religious trauma or faith deconstruction and feeling overwhelmed, know that support is available. Whether through therapy, community groups, or trusted friends, reaching out can make this journey less isolating.

If you’re looking for a therapist who understands religious trauma and faith transitions, I’m here to help. You deserve to be heard, validated, and supported as you find your way toward healing, freedom, and connection.

Request a consultation below to learn more about working together.