Why High Control Religion Glorifies Suffering — And How That Impacts Religious Trauma Survivors
Did you grow up believing that your pain had a purpose? Were you told that suffering was a sign of righteousness? Or that struggle meant God was refining you?
If those messages sound familiar, you're not alone.
One of the damaging teachings in many high control religions is the glorification of suffering. Pain—whether emotional, physical, or spiritual—is repackaged as holy. Struggle is framed as spiritually beneficial. And for survivors of religious trauma, this messaging can deeply shape how you view yourself, your pain, and your healing long after leaving the belief system.
Let’s talk about how these beliefs take hold, why they’re so harmful, and what healing can look like when you start to question whether you ever deserved to suffer in the first place.
A Personal Story: When Suffering Was Framed as Transformation
In my early 20s, I worked at a Christian camp where I led wilderness expeditions—Outward Bound style, but through a Christian lens. These trips were designed to be HARD. Long days of backpacking, off-trail navigating with map and compass through bogs and thick brush, extreme weather, mosquitos / leeches / ticks, tarps for tents. This would be the opposite of glamping lol. The idea was that by pushing people to their limits physically, emotionally, and socially, we’d help them “meet God” or have some kind of spiritual breakthrough.
The Outward Bound philosophy talks about helping people build confidence, leadership skills, self awareness, and compassion through challenge. There’s value in that, sure. And I do have a lot of positive memories from my time on those expeditions. But looking back now, I really struggle with how much emphasis was placed on how hard it all had to be.
In our Christian framework, that breaking was seen as necessary. Holy, even. The point wasn’t just to stretch yourself, but to hit the wall, so you’d turn to God, surrender your pride, or have some sort of mountaintop spiritual moment.
I bought into that model at the time. I was earnest, devoted, and wanted to see people grow. But I can see now how it mirrored the broader theology I had internalized about pain: that suffering makes you worthy. That hardship is how God shapes you. That being brought to the end of yourself is where transformation happens.
There was no room to ask:
What if the pain isn’t necessary?
What if transformation doesn’t require breaking?
How Suffering Becomes “Spiritual”
In many high control religious spaces, suffering isn’t just something you go through—it’s something you’re supposed to welcome.
You’re taught that:
Pain is part of your sanctification.
Struggle shows your devotion.
Enduring hardship proves your faith.
You might’ve heard messages like:
“Deny yourself and take up your cross.”
“God gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers.”
“Suffering produces endurance and builds character.”
Even if these messages are drawn from scripture, they’re often used to dismiss harm, keep people compliant, or justify staying in abusive environments. Over time, you’re conditioned to see suffering as not just acceptable—but holy.
When Pain Feels Like Punishment
The glorification of suffering gets even more harmful when pain is framed as something you deserve.
In many high control religious systems, you're taught that you're inherently flawed—unworthy from birth. Doctrines like original sin and total depravity tell you that you’re bad at your core, and that any goodness in you has to be earned through submission, obedience, or even suffering.
So when something painful happens, the reflex isn’t compassion—it’s self-blame. You might find yourself thinking:
“Is God punishing me?”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
“What lesson am I supposed to be learning?”
This mindset trains you to turn inward with shame instead of outward with discernment. Instead of asking, What harmed me?, you ask, What did I do wrong?
It creates a cycle where peace has to be earned, safety is conditional, and suffering becomes proof that you still have more spiritual work to do. If life feels hard, it must be your fault. If you're in pain, it must mean you're not yet worthy of comfort or ease.
The Aftermath: When Suffering Follows You
Even once you leave a high control religion, the belief that pain is necessary—or deserved—can stick around. I hear things like this from religious trauma survivors all the time:
“I feel guilty if I’m not doing something hard.”
“I don’t know how to rest without feeling selfish.”
“Part of me still believes I have to suffer to grow.”
When you're taught that suffering is spiritual, it's easy to feel suspicious of anything that feels good. Joy can feel unearned. Rest can feel selfish. Ease can feel dangerous. Without realizing it, you might keep choosing the harder path—not because it’s what you want, but because it’s what’s familiar.
And when healing starts to feel possible? Part of you might still wonder if you deserve it.
Why High Control Religion Glorifies Suffering
So why do high control religious systems teach that suffering is holy?
Because it keeps people compliant.
If you believe suffering is meaningful—or worse, deserved—you’re less likely to resist it. You’re more likely to stay in painful situations. To tolerate injustice. To defer to authority. To spiritualize abuse.
If you are so focused on self-examination, you are going to be too exhausted to challenge the system.
Glorifying suffering is a tool of control. It moralizes endurance. It discourages self-protection. It conditions people to internalize blame and spiritualize pain.
It’s not about holiness—it’s about power.
Healing the Belief That You Deserve to Suffer
Here’s the truth you might not have heard in your faith community:
Pain is not proof of your worth.
You do not have to suffer to be good.
Not all hardship makes you holy.
You didn’t deserve the things that hurt you.
Some suffering happens because the world is hard. Some happens because people misuse power. And some suffering is completely avoidable—but justified by broken belief systems that teach you it’s part of God's plan.
Part of healing from religious trauma is allowing yourself to name what was unnecessary. To grieve the pain that didn’t have to happen. To unlearn the idea that you are closest to God when you are suffering the most.
Therapy Can Help
If you’re beginning to unpack these beliefs and wondering where to even begin—working with a therapist can help.
In therapy, you can explore:
What messages about suffering you internalized.
How those beliefs are still showing up in your life.
What it looks like to build a relationship with your pain that doesn’t demand you spiritualize it.
You don’t have to earn healing.
You don’t have to be broken to be rebuilt.
You’re allowed to seek ease, safety, and joy.
Final Thoughts: You Were Not Made to Suffer
If no one ever told you this before, let me be the one to say:
You are not here to suffer.
Your trauma was not a test.
Your pain was not a spiritual assignment.
You don’t have to keep hurting to be worthy of love or healing.
You can rest.
You can question.
You can heal.
And you don’t need to suffer to deserve any of it.
If you're a survivor of religious trauma, spiritual abuse, purity culture, or a high control religion—you're not alone. I’m a licensed therapist who specializes in helping people like you heal. I offer therapy to clients in California, Florida, and Missouri.
Ready to take the next step? Click below to request a free consultation.